Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart (The Butterfly Effect)
Rated: 18
Story: Chev Chelios, a hitman, wakes up to discover he has been poisoned. The only way for him to stay alive long enough to exact some revenge is to keep his body pumped full of adrenaline. He goes about this by driving very fast, shooting lots of things and having some very public sex. Sometimes in combination...
Comments: This is, in essence, Grand Theft Auto the movie, complete with plenty of swearing, gory violence, shooting, stealing cars for convenience, videogame references and running to the next mission when nothing decent to drive has spawned nearby.
Like GTA, there's also a dark sense of humour but here there's more of a point to it all. Chelios rushes around leaving destruction in his wake as he searches for the next thrill, the next chance to be alive. He is so intent on reaching his destination, he never stops to think where he's going or what he's doing. He never has a chance to enjoy it. Crank is life on fast-forward with the parental safe-guards turned off. It's a call to take stock of who we are and of what we're doing to ourselves and other people in pursuit of gratification.
Or maybe I've spent so long trying to extract philosophical meaning from Teletubbies that I'm giving a tacky action film too much credit. It's certainly not without flaws. It's sometimes hard to tell whether the film's being ironic or serious. Sometimes the shock factor of the scenes can get in the way of the message. For instance, Crank pokes fun at the media for delivering us up-to-the-minute violence and yet it is, itself, a film that entertains through immediacy and violence. Then again, perhaps the whole thing just wouldn't work if it wasn't all so extreme.
On a more mundane level, the characterisation is poor and the dialogue merely serviceable. Statham reprises his Transporter role as a likeable, conflicted villain. He's obviously found his niche and is very effective. He's helped by the fact that the script tends to gloss over the fact that his character is a cold-blooded assassin. Smart is onto a loser from the beginning - her character is an idiot. No one else sticks around for long.
Conclusion: It's trashy and confused but there's genius in there somewhere. The more I think about it, the more I liked it.
Explosions: None.
Pace: Fast.
Outrage: High.
Ending: Slightly rubbish.
Statham's hospital gown: Flappy.
Suitability as a birthday gift for your gran: Low.
Rating: 4/5.
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Showing posts with label film review (vol.1). Show all posts
Showing posts with label film review (vol.1). Show all posts
Night at the Museum (DVD)
Starring: Ben Stiller, Carla Gugino (the parole officer in Sin City), Dick Van Dyke, Owen Wilson, Steve Coogan, Robin Williams, Ricky Gervais, Audrey from 24, huge amounts of CGI and a monkey.
Rated: PG
Story: Larry (Stiller) needs a steady job to impress his son and placate his ex-wife. All he can get is a night guard post at the Museum of Natural History. To his surprise, however, all the exhibits come alive at night and he has to keep the peace while making sure he doesn't get eaten. Some mildly amusing situations ensue...
Comments: I feel some condemnation with faint praise coming on. How about:
I managed to persuade the boys to watch this at teatime one day and it was a lot more enjoyable than the old Pokemon episodes they really wanted.
Yes, I think that covers it.
The first twenty minutes or so of scene-setting and character development are pretty superfluous. This film is really all about walking museum exhibits causing chaos and it doesn't get going until Larry starts his first shift. After that there's a decent mix of the kind of action and humour that fills TV schedules on bank holiday afternoons. The special effects are excellent but, then again, we expect nothing less these days.
The cast is full of famous faces padding out their CVs with a family film. Stiller puts in a commendable amount of effort but just is slightly irritating. Gugino does her best in an extremely generic love-interest role. Dick Van Dyke is simply glad to have some work. Coogan and Gervais are as annoying as always. Robin Williams is now made of schmaltz. The monkey out-acts most of them.
Not that the kids cared - they really enjoyed it. Sproglette needed some cuddles to see her through some of the more 'perilous' moments, though.
Conclusion: A decent film for children of primary school age but not a classic.
Explosions: Tiny.
Dinosaurs: Skeletal.
Plot: Slim.
Technical wizardry: Plenty.
Pokemon: None.
Rating: 3/5.
Rated: PG
Story: Larry (Stiller) needs a steady job to impress his son and placate his ex-wife. All he can get is a night guard post at the Museum of Natural History. To his surprise, however, all the exhibits come alive at night and he has to keep the peace while making sure he doesn't get eaten. Some mildly amusing situations ensue...
Comments: I feel some condemnation with faint praise coming on. How about:
I managed to persuade the boys to watch this at teatime one day and it was a lot more enjoyable than the old Pokemon episodes they really wanted.
Yes, I think that covers it.
The first twenty minutes or so of scene-setting and character development are pretty superfluous. This film is really all about walking museum exhibits causing chaos and it doesn't get going until Larry starts his first shift. After that there's a decent mix of the kind of action and humour that fills TV schedules on bank holiday afternoons. The special effects are excellent but, then again, we expect nothing less these days.
The cast is full of famous faces padding out their CVs with a family film. Stiller puts in a commendable amount of effort but just is slightly irritating. Gugino does her best in an extremely generic love-interest role. Dick Van Dyke is simply glad to have some work. Coogan and Gervais are as annoying as always. Robin Williams is now made of schmaltz. The monkey out-acts most of them.
Not that the kids cared - they really enjoyed it. Sproglette needed some cuddles to see her through some of the more 'perilous' moments, though.
Conclusion: A decent film for children of primary school age but not a classic.
Explosions: Tiny.
Dinosaurs: Skeletal.
Plot: Slim.
Technical wizardry: Plenty.
Pokemon: None.
Rating: 3/5.
Casino Royale (DVD)
Starring: Daniel Craig. I think there are some other people in it but none of them are around for enough of the film for me to remember. Oh, hang on, Judi Dench definitely crops up and, er... some girl who will doubtless never be in anything else again, and... Nope, I've forgotten...
Rated: 12
Story: Er... Now you come to mention it, what is it about?
Bond tracks down some villain who is doing some evil stock-market manipulation. He then plays poker with him at length. Then he takes a holiday. And then he sinks a house. Then the film ends.
I'm not making this up.
Comments: Die Another Day was dreadful. The plot made no sense, the jokes were desperate and the stunts were ludicrous in their search for novelty. It was like the latter days of Roger Moore. (Shiver).
Casino Royale is a new direction. Dispensing with all that has gone before, it has Bond beginning his career as an '00' agent. Moneypenny, gadgets and secret bases in volcanoes are no more. The film finally recognises that Bond is a self-centred git who uses everyone he meets for his own ends. He's charming and gets the job done but he's also arrogant, unpredictable and dangerous. Fortunately, this is a vast improvement on smug and brings new life to the franchise.
The first half of the film is fantastic. Daniel Craig takes command of the role from the start and there are a couple of excellent chases. The plot also seems to be heading somewhere. After that, however, there's a long section involving poker that's somewhat mystifying to the uninitiated and when that's done the whole thing goes off the rails. The plot fizzles out, there's some unlikely romance, Bond does some even less likely soul searching and the final action sequence is totally forgettable.
Ho hum. Maybe the next one will be better...
Conclusion: A step in the right direction for Bond, quickly followed by a stumble and a nasty fall down some stairs.
Explosions: Too few.
Poker: Too much.
Plot: Too little.
Villain: Too soft.
The beer I drank: Too cold.
Bond: Just right.
Rating: 3/5.
Rated: 12
Story: Er... Now you come to mention it, what is it about?
Bond tracks down some villain who is doing some evil stock-market manipulation. He then plays poker with him at length. Then he takes a holiday. And then he sinks a house. Then the film ends.
I'm not making this up.
Comments: Die Another Day was dreadful. The plot made no sense, the jokes were desperate and the stunts were ludicrous in their search for novelty. It was like the latter days of Roger Moore. (Shiver).
Casino Royale is a new direction. Dispensing with all that has gone before, it has Bond beginning his career as an '00' agent. Moneypenny, gadgets and secret bases in volcanoes are no more. The film finally recognises that Bond is a self-centred git who uses everyone he meets for his own ends. He's charming and gets the job done but he's also arrogant, unpredictable and dangerous. Fortunately, this is a vast improvement on smug and brings new life to the franchise.
The first half of the film is fantastic. Daniel Craig takes command of the role from the start and there are a couple of excellent chases. The plot also seems to be heading somewhere. After that, however, there's a long section involving poker that's somewhat mystifying to the uninitiated and when that's done the whole thing goes off the rails. The plot fizzles out, there's some unlikely romance, Bond does some even less likely soul searching and the final action sequence is totally forgettable.
Ho hum. Maybe the next one will be better...
Conclusion: A step in the right direction for Bond, quickly followed by a stumble and a nasty fall down some stairs.
Explosions: Too few.
Poker: Too much.
Plot: Too little.
Villain: Too soft.
The beer I drank: Too cold.
Bond: Just right.
Rating: 3/5.
The Brothers Grimm (DVD)
Starring: Matt Damon, Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain), Lena Headey
Rated: 12
Story: The Brothers Grimm travel 18th Century French-occupied Germany hiring themselves out as freelance witch-hunters. A French general enlists their help in quelling trouble in the small village of Marbaden where girls are disappearing in mysterious circumstances involving wolves, witches, red riding outfits and gingerbread.
Comments: This is probably the film I was anticipating Pan's Labyrinth to be. It's a fantastical tale which throws a stack of folk stories into a pot, adds a touch of alternative history and gives everything a good stir. In reality, the Brothers Grimm were college professors. Here, they are shady adventurers in a fairy tale about fairy tales.
As you'd expect with Terry Gilliam directing, the visual style and attention to detail are arresting. Some of the characters are a little silly and some of the accents are a little improbable but that's OK - fairy tales are supposed to be outlandish, concealing nuggets of truth within a preposterous but mesmerising story. Gilliam does an excellent job of capturing this essence, creating an entertaining movie which is mainstream but also a little bit unusual.
Matt Damon isn't even annoying. Bonus.
Conclusion: Clever, funny, creepy, beautiful and surprising. Unmissable.
Explosions: Not many.
Fantastic sets: Lots.
Dodgy accents: Some.
Moving trees: A forest.
Memorable moments: A multitude.
Unexpected uses of snails: One.
Rating: 5/5.
Rated: 12
Story: The Brothers Grimm travel 18th Century French-occupied Germany hiring themselves out as freelance witch-hunters. A French general enlists their help in quelling trouble in the small village of Marbaden where girls are disappearing in mysterious circumstances involving wolves, witches, red riding outfits and gingerbread.
Comments: This is probably the film I was anticipating Pan's Labyrinth to be. It's a fantastical tale which throws a stack of folk stories into a pot, adds a touch of alternative history and gives everything a good stir. In reality, the Brothers Grimm were college professors. Here, they are shady adventurers in a fairy tale about fairy tales.
As you'd expect with Terry Gilliam directing, the visual style and attention to detail are arresting. Some of the characters are a little silly and some of the accents are a little improbable but that's OK - fairy tales are supposed to be outlandish, concealing nuggets of truth within a preposterous but mesmerising story. Gilliam does an excellent job of capturing this essence, creating an entertaining movie which is mainstream but also a little bit unusual.
Matt Damon isn't even annoying. Bonus.
Conclusion: Clever, funny, creepy, beautiful and surprising. Unmissable.
Explosions: Not many.
Fantastic sets: Lots.
Dodgy accents: Some.
Moving trees: A forest.
Memorable moments: A multitude.
Unexpected uses of snails: One.
Rating: 5/5.
Red Eye (DVD)
Starring: Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later) and his scary eyes, Rachel McAdams (Yeah, I don't know either. She's cute, though).
Rated: 12
Story: Lisa (McAdams) finds herself terrorised by Jack (Murphy) as he tries to coerce her into using her connections to help him in an assassination plot. Unfortunately, she can't get away easily because they're sitting next to each other on a plane and, wouldn't you just know it, he's got the aisle seat.
Comments: This is OK but pretty forgettable. Probably the most fun to be had is in working out all the ways Lisa could handle the situation better - ways that don't involve craziness and setting up an unlikely slasher-movie ending.
More could have been made of the moral dilemma which Lisa faces. Jack places her in a situation requiring her to sacrifice a stranger in order to save a loved one. There's plenty of mileage there for soul-searching and some thought-provoking dialogue. But, hey, that might have required some thought from both the writers and the audience. Fat chance. It's just a handy plot device.
The film takes a while to get going and the ending is drawn out but, despite that, the whole thing is only an hour and a quarter. Essentially, the bit on the plane which is quite good is too short. Everything before they get on the plane is filler and everything afterwards is ludicrous. It's watchable enough, though, providing you have some beer and the surround-sound rumble of the plane taking off doesn't make your house fall down.
McAdams is excellent throughout. Murphy is good up until the point near the end where the script goes berserk on him. He does menacing much better than psychopathic.
Conclusion: Like a double-bill of 24. Tense, entertaining, occasionally silly and not entirely satisfying. You'll want to watch another one when it's over.
Explosions: One (but it's a big one).
Ending: Long and silly.
Start: Slow.
Length of film: Short.
Descent into mediocrity: Rapid.
Rating: 3/5.
Rated: 12
Story: Lisa (McAdams) finds herself terrorised by Jack (Murphy) as he tries to coerce her into using her connections to help him in an assassination plot. Unfortunately, she can't get away easily because they're sitting next to each other on a plane and, wouldn't you just know it, he's got the aisle seat.
Comments: This is OK but pretty forgettable. Probably the most fun to be had is in working out all the ways Lisa could handle the situation better - ways that don't involve craziness and setting up an unlikely slasher-movie ending.
More could have been made of the moral dilemma which Lisa faces. Jack places her in a situation requiring her to sacrifice a stranger in order to save a loved one. There's plenty of mileage there for soul-searching and some thought-provoking dialogue. But, hey, that might have required some thought from both the writers and the audience. Fat chance. It's just a handy plot device.
The film takes a while to get going and the ending is drawn out but, despite that, the whole thing is only an hour and a quarter. Essentially, the bit on the plane which is quite good is too short. Everything before they get on the plane is filler and everything afterwards is ludicrous. It's watchable enough, though, providing you have some beer and the surround-sound rumble of the plane taking off doesn't make your house fall down.
McAdams is excellent throughout. Murphy is good up until the point near the end where the script goes berserk on him. He does menacing much better than psychopathic.
Conclusion: Like a double-bill of 24. Tense, entertaining, occasionally silly and not entirely satisfying. You'll want to watch another one when it's over.
Explosions: One (but it's a big one).
Ending: Long and silly.
Start: Slow.
Length of film: Short.
Descent into mediocrity: Rapid.
Rating: 3/5.
Transporter 2 (DVD)
Starring: Jason Statham, some fast cars and a series of increasingly outrageous stunts.
Rated: 15
Comments: There is a moment about half an hour into True Lies where the film reaches a juncture point. The unlikely scenario has been set up, there's been some promising action sequences and a fantastic chase has reached a climax. Arnie is in pursuit of a bad guy. The bad guy is on a motorbike and Arnie is on a horse. They've just decimated a shopping arcade and made their way to the roof. The motorbike leaps across a vast chasm to land in the swimming pool of a nearby building, Arnie backs up his horse, gallops towards the precipice and there's a split second where the scriptwriters seem to have left reality behind.
Except it doesn't happen. The horse tells Arnie where to go, the bad guy gets away and the film slips into a lengthy period of clumsy romantic comedy from which it never truly recovers.
There is a similar moment in Transporter 2. The unlikely scenario has been set up, there's been some promising action sequences and a fantastic chase has reached a climax. Frank (Statham) is trying to evade the police. They've just decimated a freeway and made their way to the roof of a multi-storey carpark. There's only one place to go and there's a split second where the scriptwriters seem to have left reality behind.
And they have.
The film never looks back. The car ploughs through a wall, leaps a vast chasm and dives neatly into a half-constructed high-rise across the road. What has been an all right action flick suddenly becomes an hilarious succession of ridiculous stunts. Statham jumps around so much, he practically learns to fly. Fights are played for laughs. Everything is over the top.
It would be possible to be annoyed by the lack of realism but realism isn't what this film's about. It's just putting on a show. There's obvious influence from Eastern action films, with plenty of outlandish martial arts and wirework, but unlike say, The Matrix or The Tuxedo, there's no desire to explain it all - Frank is just that hard.
It's like 24 gone mad...
Conclusion: An entertaining action film which doesn't take itself seriously. Think Under Siege rather than Mission: Impossible.
Explosions: Yes.
Crashes: Yes.
Death by firehose: Yes.
Villainess who fights in her underwear: Yes.
Reality: Er...
Rating: 4/5.
Rated: 15
Comments: There is a moment about half an hour into True Lies where the film reaches a juncture point. The unlikely scenario has been set up, there's been some promising action sequences and a fantastic chase has reached a climax. Arnie is in pursuit of a bad guy. The bad guy is on a motorbike and Arnie is on a horse. They've just decimated a shopping arcade and made their way to the roof. The motorbike leaps across a vast chasm to land in the swimming pool of a nearby building, Arnie backs up his horse, gallops towards the precipice and there's a split second where the scriptwriters seem to have left reality behind.
Except it doesn't happen. The horse tells Arnie where to go, the bad guy gets away and the film slips into a lengthy period of clumsy romantic comedy from which it never truly recovers.
There is a similar moment in Transporter 2. The unlikely scenario has been set up, there's been some promising action sequences and a fantastic chase has reached a climax. Frank (Statham) is trying to evade the police. They've just decimated a freeway and made their way to the roof of a multi-storey carpark. There's only one place to go and there's a split second where the scriptwriters seem to have left reality behind.
And they have.
The film never looks back. The car ploughs through a wall, leaps a vast chasm and dives neatly into a half-constructed high-rise across the road. What has been an all right action flick suddenly becomes an hilarious succession of ridiculous stunts. Statham jumps around so much, he practically learns to fly. Fights are played for laughs. Everything is over the top.
It would be possible to be annoyed by the lack of realism but realism isn't what this film's about. It's just putting on a show. There's obvious influence from Eastern action films, with plenty of outlandish martial arts and wirework, but unlike say, The Matrix or The Tuxedo, there's no desire to explain it all - Frank is just that hard.
It's like 24 gone mad...
Conclusion: An entertaining action film which doesn't take itself seriously. Think Under Siege rather than Mission: Impossible.
Explosions: Yes.
Crashes: Yes.
Death by firehose: Yes.
Villainess who fights in her underwear: Yes.
Reality: Er...
Rating: 4/5.
Pan's Labyrinth (El laberinto del fauno)
Starring: Some people who speak Spanish.
Rated: 15
Story: In 1944, in Franco's Spain, a girl named Ofelia and her family move to the country to be near her psychopathic stepfather. He is an army officer and is conducting a ruthless campaign against Communist rebels. Surrounded by human evil, she finds herself drawn into a dark, fantastical world where a sinister faun sets her three tasks in order to reclaim her throne as a princess of an underworld kingdom.
Comments: At this point, you're probably thinking this is one of those kerrr-azeee foreign arts films. Don't worry, though - it doesn't feature psychedelic giraffe-people, moody black-and-white shots of Death, Gerard Depardieu or a heartfelt conversation with an orange. The effects and cinematography are fantastic and the production values are as high as any Hollywood movie. The only real problem is that it's a bit in Spanish. Actually, it's a lot in Spanish. Oh, all right, it's all in Spanish.
Don't be put off, though.
I have to say that when I put this on my LOVEFiLM rental list, I didn't read the synopsis too closely. I looked at the picture, read the title and had a flashback to David Bowie surrounded by muppets. Truth be told, though, this isn't a fantasy film book-ended by a couple of real-life segments; it's a war-time drama occasionally interspersed with a dark faerie tale. It's more Captain Corelli than The Lord of the Rings but with an oppressive atmosphere and graphic, bloody violence.
Personally I would have preferred a greater emphasis on the fantasy side of things but the film is absorbing nonetheless and the pacing is superb. The cast all do an excellent job (as far as I can tell). The English translation for the subtitles is decent and certainly better than the misleading title suggests. Fortunately, most of the more visually impressive moments don't have much dialogue, allowing concentration on the action.
Conclusion: Excellent and much less of an effort to watch than it sounds.
Explosions: A couple.
Amputations: One.
Self-sutured stitches: I couldn't watch.
People shot in the head: Rather more than you'd imagine.
Spanish: Lots.
Muppets: None.
Rating: 4/5.
Rated: 15
Story: In 1944, in Franco's Spain, a girl named Ofelia and her family move to the country to be near her psychopathic stepfather. He is an army officer and is conducting a ruthless campaign against Communist rebels. Surrounded by human evil, she finds herself drawn into a dark, fantastical world where a sinister faun sets her three tasks in order to reclaim her throne as a princess of an underworld kingdom.
Comments: At this point, you're probably thinking this is one of those kerrr-azeee foreign arts films. Don't worry, though - it doesn't feature psychedelic giraffe-people, moody black-and-white shots of Death, Gerard Depardieu or a heartfelt conversation with an orange. The effects and cinematography are fantastic and the production values are as high as any Hollywood movie. The only real problem is that it's a bit in Spanish. Actually, it's a lot in Spanish. Oh, all right, it's all in Spanish.
Don't be put off, though.
I have to say that when I put this on my LOVEFiLM rental list, I didn't read the synopsis too closely. I looked at the picture, read the title and had a flashback to David Bowie surrounded by muppets. Truth be told, though, this isn't a fantasy film book-ended by a couple of real-life segments; it's a war-time drama occasionally interspersed with a dark faerie tale. It's more Captain Corelli than The Lord of the Rings but with an oppressive atmosphere and graphic, bloody violence.
Personally I would have preferred a greater emphasis on the fantasy side of things but the film is absorbing nonetheless and the pacing is superb. The cast all do an excellent job (as far as I can tell). The English translation for the subtitles is decent and certainly better than the misleading title suggests. Fortunately, most of the more visually impressive moments don't have much dialogue, allowing concentration on the action.
Conclusion: Excellent and much less of an effort to watch than it sounds.
Explosions: A couple.
Amputations: One.
Self-sutured stitches: I couldn't watch.
People shot in the head: Rather more than you'd imagine.
Spanish: Lots.
Muppets: None.
Rating: 4/5.
Troy (DVD)
Starring: Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana (Hulk), Peter O'Toole, Sean Bean
Rated: 15
Story: It's the Iliad re-imagined by movie executives. Paris (Bloom), a prince of Troy, makes off with Helen, queen of Sparta. Agamemnon, her brother-in-law and ruler of all Greece, uses this as an excuse to wage war against Troy. Achilles (Pitt) reluctantly helps him out in between moody bouts of angst. Vast armies clash. Odysseus (Bean) suggests building a horse. Homer spins in his grave.
Comments: They don't often make them like this anymore. An historical epic with a cast of thousands, lumbering dialogue and a tenuous link to the accepted story. Except, of course, since this isn't the Golden Age of Hollywood, there isn't actually a cast of thousands, there's just two blokes, a horse and a liberal amount of computer animation. It still feels like a trip back in time, though. You half expect Charlton Heston to put in an appearance at any moment carrying a couple of stone tablets.
Troy doesn't murder its source material as brutally as many other films, it just gives it a good kicking and leaves it for dead. It's not such a complete travesty as, say, the film adaptations of The Running Man or The Last of the Mohicans but there's been plenty of re-arranging to make things fit into a standard action movie mould.
And the gods have been taken out.
In fact, about the most fantastical thing which happens is that the Trojans are rather too trusting of Greeks bearing gifts. If you're going to make a film based on mythic poetry, why remove all the mythological elements? What's left feels like a World War II film in togas.
Half the cast struggle with dialogue which attempts to sound 'authentically' archaic but just comes across as wordy and awkward. Thanks to their training in Middle-Earth, however, Bean and Bloom do better than most. O'Toole spends most of the movie with his eyes so wide he looks like he's sat on a nail. Pitt is desperately miscast - he struggles to give Achilles the hidden depths which the script requires and occasionally looks a bit silly during the fights.
Despite all these issues, though, Troy isn't awful. It has massed battles like The Lord of the Rings, a beach assault like Saving Private Ryan and the epic scale of Gladiator. It's never dull but an expensive movie with a star-filled cast based on one of the world's most famous pieces of classic literature should deliver more than pale reminders of other, better, movies.
Conclusion: A missed opportunity lacking in spectacle and direction. It's OK to watch but check there isn't anything better on telly first.
Explosions: None.
Large, suspicious wooden horses: One.
Sympathetic characters: Not enough.
Artistic licence: Lots.
Brad Pitt in a skirt: Plenty.
Annoyed scholars of ancient literature: All of them.
Rating: 3/5.
Rated: 15
Story: It's the Iliad re-imagined by movie executives. Paris (Bloom), a prince of Troy, makes off with Helen, queen of Sparta. Agamemnon, her brother-in-law and ruler of all Greece, uses this as an excuse to wage war against Troy. Achilles (Pitt) reluctantly helps him out in between moody bouts of angst. Vast armies clash. Odysseus (Bean) suggests building a horse. Homer spins in his grave.
Comments: They don't often make them like this anymore. An historical epic with a cast of thousands, lumbering dialogue and a tenuous link to the accepted story. Except, of course, since this isn't the Golden Age of Hollywood, there isn't actually a cast of thousands, there's just two blokes, a horse and a liberal amount of computer animation. It still feels like a trip back in time, though. You half expect Charlton Heston to put in an appearance at any moment carrying a couple of stone tablets.
Troy doesn't murder its source material as brutally as many other films, it just gives it a good kicking and leaves it for dead. It's not such a complete travesty as, say, the film adaptations of The Running Man or The Last of the Mohicans but there's been plenty of re-arranging to make things fit into a standard action movie mould.
And the gods have been taken out.
In fact, about the most fantastical thing which happens is that the Trojans are rather too trusting of Greeks bearing gifts. If you're going to make a film based on mythic poetry, why remove all the mythological elements? What's left feels like a World War II film in togas.
Half the cast struggle with dialogue which attempts to sound 'authentically' archaic but just comes across as wordy and awkward. Thanks to their training in Middle-Earth, however, Bean and Bloom do better than most. O'Toole spends most of the movie with his eyes so wide he looks like he's sat on a nail. Pitt is desperately miscast - he struggles to give Achilles the hidden depths which the script requires and occasionally looks a bit silly during the fights.
Despite all these issues, though, Troy isn't awful. It has massed battles like The Lord of the Rings, a beach assault like Saving Private Ryan and the epic scale of Gladiator. It's never dull but an expensive movie with a star-filled cast based on one of the world's most famous pieces of classic literature should deliver more than pale reminders of other, better, movies.
Conclusion: A missed opportunity lacking in spectacle and direction. It's OK to watch but check there isn't anything better on telly first.
Explosions: None.
Large, suspicious wooden horses: One.
Sympathetic characters: Not enough.
Artistic licence: Lots.
Brad Pitt in a skirt: Plenty.
Annoyed scholars of ancient literature: All of them.
Rating: 3/5.
Into the Blue (DVD)
Starring: Jessica Alba's bikini and Paul Walker's Speedos.
Rated: 15
Story: Four divers stumble on sunken treasure and a downed plane full of cocaine off the coast of the Bahamas. They swim about wearing minimal clothing and achieving very little. There are lots of fish. Then everyone suddenly wants them dead. Even the fish.
Comments: The last twenty minutes are OK. Up until that point, nothing happens. Seriously. There's swimming, some fish and plenty of sunshine. That's it. It's all quite pleasant to look at but the plot moves along at a mollusc-like pace towards an entirely predictable conclusion. There's seldom any doubt where things are going but the film simply refuses to get a move on. There's just more diving, more fish, more discussion of how best to get rich quick. It's like watching an inept one-finger typist try to hammer out 'xylophone' - after not very long there's a crushing inevitability to events and nothing to look forward to but excruciating frustration or a quick death. (And that's with a bit of fast-forwarding...)
So it just chugs along for an hour and a quarter and then all at once there's gore and action and dead people everywhere. After the harmless nature of the first three-quarters of the film, it's actually slightly shocking. Maybe that's some kind of point but it doesn't seem likely - it's more a desperate case of trying to wake the audience up. This is foolish, however, because anyone who's lasted this long simply loves watching Jessica Alba swim or has slipped into a zen-like state of fish worship. Either way, breaking the trance risks all kinds of trauma.
It's not even like the plot twists make any real sense.
After this and The Fast and the Furious I think I'll actively avoid films with Paul Walker in. Alba does fine but you have to wonder why she agreed to it all. The rest of the cast struggle to make their characters believable but that's the script's fault more than theirs.
If you want fish, watch a documentary. If you want Jessica Alba in a bikini, buy a calendar. If you want entertainment, try balancing your DVD remote on your nose.
Whatever you want, avoid this.
Conclusion: I watched it so you don't have to.
Explosions: One.
Opportunities for a nap without missing much: Many.
Fish: Thousands.
How they sold it to the execs: Jessica Alba... in a bikini... swimming...
Minutes of your life you won't get back: One hundred and six.
Rating: 1/5
Rated: 15
Story: Four divers stumble on sunken treasure and a downed plane full of cocaine off the coast of the Bahamas. They swim about wearing minimal clothing and achieving very little. There are lots of fish. Then everyone suddenly wants them dead. Even the fish.
Comments: The last twenty minutes are OK. Up until that point, nothing happens. Seriously. There's swimming, some fish and plenty of sunshine. That's it. It's all quite pleasant to look at but the plot moves along at a mollusc-like pace towards an entirely predictable conclusion. There's seldom any doubt where things are going but the film simply refuses to get a move on. There's just more diving, more fish, more discussion of how best to get rich quick. It's like watching an inept one-finger typist try to hammer out 'xylophone' - after not very long there's a crushing inevitability to events and nothing to look forward to but excruciating frustration or a quick death. (And that's with a bit of fast-forwarding...)
So it just chugs along for an hour and a quarter and then all at once there's gore and action and dead people everywhere. After the harmless nature of the first three-quarters of the film, it's actually slightly shocking. Maybe that's some kind of point but it doesn't seem likely - it's more a desperate case of trying to wake the audience up. This is foolish, however, because anyone who's lasted this long simply loves watching Jessica Alba swim or has slipped into a zen-like state of fish worship. Either way, breaking the trance risks all kinds of trauma.
It's not even like the plot twists make any real sense.
After this and The Fast and the Furious I think I'll actively avoid films with Paul Walker in. Alba does fine but you have to wonder why she agreed to it all. The rest of the cast struggle to make their characters believable but that's the script's fault more than theirs.
If you want fish, watch a documentary. If you want Jessica Alba in a bikini, buy a calendar. If you want entertainment, try balancing your DVD remote on your nose.
Whatever you want, avoid this.
Conclusion: I watched it so you don't have to.
Explosions: One.
Opportunities for a nap without missing much: Many.
Fish: Thousands.
How they sold it to the execs: Jessica Alba... in a bikini... swimming...
Minutes of your life you won't get back: One hundred and six.
Rating: 1/5
Mission: Impossible 3 (DVD)
Starring: Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, Laurence Fishburne, the Irish bloke from Bend it Like Beckham, Tom Cruise, Shaun of the Dead, Tom Cruise & Tom Cruise.
Rated: 12
Story: Ethan Hunt (Cruise) and his Impossible Mission Force use a mixture of guns, disguises and explosives to break into heavily guarded places on the trail of an Evil Villain. The Evil Villain then goes after Hunt and his love interest.
Comments: The original Mission: Impossible movie was three set-piece action sequences held together by some unconvincing nonsense. Everyone remembers the bit where Tom Cruise was dangled upside down from the ceiling. The sequel was just forgettable nonsense with motorbikes. It made everyone want to dangle Tom Cruise upside down from the ceiling. As a result, this third one didn't do so well. I, for one, just wasn't that fussed about seeing it. Turns out, though, that this is easily the best of the three.
The film is very well put together with dips in pace in just the right places and extraneous material stripped away. There's a tense, convoluted infiltration involving disguises, cunning and timing which is the series' trademark but there's plenty of explosive mayhem as well. The plot probably doesn't merit close analysis but it keeps things going nicely, has enough twists and isn't glaringly idiotic.
Cruise puts in his usual performance. He's decent enough but it would have been nice if some of the rest of the cast had got a bit more to do. Simon Pegg's cameo is notable because he gets to speak at some length without Cruise interrupting or running off with a determined look on his face. It's like a brief glimpse into a reality where Tom Cruise is just another actor. Weird...
Conclusion: An excellent action movie. Not iconic but entertaining from start to finish.
Explosions: Loads.
Stunts: A stack.
Impossible missions: None.
Improbable missions: One or two.
Tom Cruise: Lots.
Rating: 4/5.
Rated: 12
Story: Ethan Hunt (Cruise) and his Impossible Mission Force use a mixture of guns, disguises and explosives to break into heavily guarded places on the trail of an Evil Villain. The Evil Villain then goes after Hunt and his love interest.
Comments: The original Mission: Impossible movie was three set-piece action sequences held together by some unconvincing nonsense. Everyone remembers the bit where Tom Cruise was dangled upside down from the ceiling. The sequel was just forgettable nonsense with motorbikes. It made everyone want to dangle Tom Cruise upside down from the ceiling. As a result, this third one didn't do so well. I, for one, just wasn't that fussed about seeing it. Turns out, though, that this is easily the best of the three.
The film is very well put together with dips in pace in just the right places and extraneous material stripped away. There's a tense, convoluted infiltration involving disguises, cunning and timing which is the series' trademark but there's plenty of explosive mayhem as well. The plot probably doesn't merit close analysis but it keeps things going nicely, has enough twists and isn't glaringly idiotic.
Cruise puts in his usual performance. He's decent enough but it would have been nice if some of the rest of the cast had got a bit more to do. Simon Pegg's cameo is notable because he gets to speak at some length without Cruise interrupting or running off with a determined look on his face. It's like a brief glimpse into a reality where Tom Cruise is just another actor. Weird...
Conclusion: An excellent action movie. Not iconic but entertaining from start to finish.
Explosions: Loads.
Stunts: A stack.
Impossible missions: None.
Improbable missions: One or two.
Tom Cruise: Lots.
Rating: 4/5.
Miami Vice (DVD)
Starring: Jamie Foxx (the taxi driver from Collateral), Colin Farrell (the not hugely memorable bloke from quite a lot of things).
Rated: 15
Story: Two vice cops go undercover in order to drive speedboats, act moody and meet women. There's something about exposing a law enforcement mole and taking down a drug baron, but everyone's really just in it for the speedboats.
Comments: I'm slightly too young to remember the TV series. That or there was a physics documentary on the other side. (Boy, was I a cool teenager...) Anyway, I've no real idea how much this has in common with the original but I suspect it's not a lot. Crockett and Tubbs are in it but characterisation is almost non-existent. Crockett (Farrell) is a womaniser, Tubbs (Foxx) is not. They are loyal to their friends and each other. Crockett is a little unhinged. That's about it really. They're reduced to generic action heroes and they could be anywhere half the time. Most of the film isn't set in Miami and some of what is in Miami takes place in a trailer park. At night.
So much for nostalgia. How about the action?
Er... It's nearly two and a half hours long but it's hard to think of an hour's worth of stuff that happens. There's plenty of moving around at high speed but not many stunts. The shoot-out at the end is a confusing mess.
The dialogue isn't up to much either. Everyone has a tendency to mumble nonsense at speed so I had to switch the subtitles on in order to follow things. I say 'follow' but the plot never really goes anywhere and just rattles along from one scene to the next.
Despite all these faults, however, the film is still somehow entertaining. It's atmospheric and full of sunshine, bright lights, loud music, expensive cars and speedboats. Don't expect much, or think about it too hard. Just let the chaos and craziness wash over you and enjoy a couple of hours in another world - a warm, sunny world where everything happens really fast.
Conclusion: It's rubbish but it's good-looking, fast-paced rubbish.
Explosions: Three.
Speedboats: Numerous.
Semblance of reality: None.
Rating: 3/5.
Rated: 15
Story: Two vice cops go undercover in order to drive speedboats, act moody and meet women. There's something about exposing a law enforcement mole and taking down a drug baron, but everyone's really just in it for the speedboats.
Comments: I'm slightly too young to remember the TV series. That or there was a physics documentary on the other side. (Boy, was I a cool teenager...) Anyway, I've no real idea how much this has in common with the original but I suspect it's not a lot. Crockett and Tubbs are in it but characterisation is almost non-existent. Crockett (Farrell) is a womaniser, Tubbs (Foxx) is not. They are loyal to their friends and each other. Crockett is a little unhinged. That's about it really. They're reduced to generic action heroes and they could be anywhere half the time. Most of the film isn't set in Miami and some of what is in Miami takes place in a trailer park. At night.
So much for nostalgia. How about the action?
Er... It's nearly two and a half hours long but it's hard to think of an hour's worth of stuff that happens. There's plenty of moving around at high speed but not many stunts. The shoot-out at the end is a confusing mess.
The dialogue isn't up to much either. Everyone has a tendency to mumble nonsense at speed so I had to switch the subtitles on in order to follow things. I say 'follow' but the plot never really goes anywhere and just rattles along from one scene to the next.
Despite all these faults, however, the film is still somehow entertaining. It's atmospheric and full of sunshine, bright lights, loud music, expensive cars and speedboats. Don't expect much, or think about it too hard. Just let the chaos and craziness wash over you and enjoy a couple of hours in another world - a warm, sunny world where everything happens really fast.
Conclusion: It's rubbish but it's good-looking, fast-paced rubbish.
Explosions: Three.
Speedboats: Numerous.
Semblance of reality: None.
Rating: 3/5.
Star Trek: Nemesis (DVD)
Starring: The usual suspects and Tom Hardy
Rated: 12
Story: The crew of the Enterprise is sent to negotiate with the mysterious new Romulan leader. The main characters constantly tease and smirk at each other. There are frequent fan-pleasing references to Star Trek lore. It all ends with a lengthy space battle.
Comments: The Star Trek movies involving the original cast all had long, ponderous titles like The Search for Spock, The Voyage Home & The Undiscovered Country. The Next Generation movies have opted for punchier monikers like First Contact & Insurrection. Even the recent games are called meaningless things like Armada and Legacy. I think it's some desperate attempt to keep us interested and make sure we don't fall asleep before the end of the opening credits.
To be honest, I stopped watching the TV series after Babylon 5 came along. Star Trek seemed a bit shallow and tiresome after that. Still, I've seen the other movies and enough TNG to follow this without a problem. There's the odd reference to Voyager and DS9 which I haven't seen but nothing important. If you don't know what TNG stands for, however, you're going to struggle. This is a by-the-numbers sequel for fans and hangers-on. If you've been stuck in a Chinese prison for a long time and missed out on the new Star Trek then don't start here. Go and rent the series on DVD but make sure you watch B5 and the re-made Battlestar Galactica first. (Yes, they've re-made Battlestar Galactica and it's good. What were the chances of that? No cure for cancer yet, though).
Assuming you haven't had a Jack Bauer experience, you know the characters, you know the set-up and you pretty much know what's going to happen. It's still entertaining, though - certainly more so than any of the new Star Wars films. (Oh yeah, there's new Star Wars. It's rubbish). There's some exploration of whether it's nature or nurture which makes us who we are but it doesn't really go anywhere. Nemesis is not out to challenge - it's comfort viewing. It's one to watch when you're too tired to play a game but can't quite be bothered to go to bed. Grab a beer, lie down on the sofa and let it slip past your eyes.
As far as the cast is concerned, it's business as usual. Patrick Stewart is very professional about it all and his opening piece reminded me of playing Oblivion, which is always good. Most of the rest of them are going through the motions and dreaming wistfully of the big, fat cheque. Jonathan Frakes has turned into the Cheshire cat.
Amazingly, Star Trek XI is in production. They haven't decided on a title yet but they're going to have their work cut out making anyone care. Personally I'm looking forward to Star Trek: Food Fight, Star Trek: !!!!!!!!!!!! or Star Trek: Must Die. I'd stay awake for those.
Conclusion: As familiar and comfortable as a pair of old slippers.
Explosions: Some.
Smug first officers: One.
Ludicrous action sequences: At least three.
Fond memories of 1987: Plenty.
Rating: 3/5
Rated: 12
Story: The crew of the Enterprise is sent to negotiate with the mysterious new Romulan leader. The main characters constantly tease and smirk at each other. There are frequent fan-pleasing references to Star Trek lore. It all ends with a lengthy space battle.
Comments: The Star Trek movies involving the original cast all had long, ponderous titles like The Search for Spock, The Voyage Home & The Undiscovered Country. The Next Generation movies have opted for punchier monikers like First Contact & Insurrection. Even the recent games are called meaningless things like Armada and Legacy. I think it's some desperate attempt to keep us interested and make sure we don't fall asleep before the end of the opening credits.
To be honest, I stopped watching the TV series after Babylon 5 came along. Star Trek seemed a bit shallow and tiresome after that. Still, I've seen the other movies and enough TNG to follow this without a problem. There's the odd reference to Voyager and DS9 which I haven't seen but nothing important. If you don't know what TNG stands for, however, you're going to struggle. This is a by-the-numbers sequel for fans and hangers-on. If you've been stuck in a Chinese prison for a long time and missed out on the new Star Trek then don't start here. Go and rent the series on DVD but make sure you watch B5 and the re-made Battlestar Galactica first. (Yes, they've re-made Battlestar Galactica and it's good. What were the chances of that? No cure for cancer yet, though).
Assuming you haven't had a Jack Bauer experience, you know the characters, you know the set-up and you pretty much know what's going to happen. It's still entertaining, though - certainly more so than any of the new Star Wars films. (Oh yeah, there's new Star Wars. It's rubbish). There's some exploration of whether it's nature or nurture which makes us who we are but it doesn't really go anywhere. Nemesis is not out to challenge - it's comfort viewing. It's one to watch when you're too tired to play a game but can't quite be bothered to go to bed. Grab a beer, lie down on the sofa and let it slip past your eyes.
As far as the cast is concerned, it's business as usual. Patrick Stewart is very professional about it all and his opening piece reminded me of playing Oblivion, which is always good. Most of the rest of them are going through the motions and dreaming wistfully of the big, fat cheque. Jonathan Frakes has turned into the Cheshire cat.
Amazingly, Star Trek XI is in production. They haven't decided on a title yet but they're going to have their work cut out making anyone care. Personally I'm looking forward to Star Trek: Food Fight, Star Trek: !!!!!!!!!!!! or Star Trek: Must Die. I'd stay awake for those.
Conclusion: As familiar and comfortable as a pair of old slippers.
Explosions: Some.
Smug first officers: One.
Ludicrous action sequences: At least three.
Fond memories of 1987: Plenty.
Rating: 3/5
Reign of Fire (DVD)
Starring: Christian Bale (Batman Begins), Matthew McConaughey, Izabella Scorupco (Who was in GoldenEye apparently. Oh yeah, coming back to me now...)
Rated: 12
Story: It is twenty years in the future and the world has been turned to ash by dragons. Quinn (Bale) leads a community of survivors who have holed up in a ruined castle in Northumberland, trying to eke out an existence while avoiding being snacked on by marauding flying lizards. It seems all is lost. Then a bunch of American soldiers turn up with a stash of nylons and chocolate, and an unlikely plan for victory.
Comments: I seem to remember the posters for this movie showing dragons swooping over the flaming ruins of the Houses of Parliament. I imagined a desperate fight through the skies and streets of the capital, landmarks exploding left and right - kind of like Godzilla but in London AND WITH DRAGONS! How excellent... But, no. That bit, where the dragons take over, is told via a quick flick through the magazine clippings in Quinn's scrapbook. Drat.
For a few minutes it looks like we're going to get an interesting take on the post-Apocalypse movie. Normally we get something set immediately after the disaster (28 Days Later) or so far in the future that everyone's forgotten what happened (Waterworld). Twenty years is long enough for a new society, a new mythology even, to have arisen but short enough for everything to remain rooted in actual memories of our world. These people live a medieval life but re-enact Star Wars for the children. Forget the dragons, let's pretend it was a nuclear war and try to draw some truths about humanity from the aftermath - that would be a great movie... But, again, no. Dragons start turning up and we get a middle-of-the-road action movie. Set mostly in a quarry. Drat.
"But at least it has dragons," I hear you cry and, yes, it has dragons but... but... I'm sorry, dragons don't exist. For some reason my brain can cope with computer generated images of aliens and mummies, vampires and ghosts but show me a dragon chasing a helicopter and it's like someone is trying to sell me a Rolex for a tenner. We're told from such an early age that dragons aren't real, it's very hard to forget. This movie requires more than the suspension of disbelief; it requires the suspension of most higher brain function. Still, as long as there's plenty of tense, close-quarters battling with dragons... Er, yet again, no. The dragons fly fast and spew vast amounts of napalm-death everywhere. The humans run away and hide in holes (usually in the script). Drat.
That's not to say the movie isn't fun, it could just be so much more. It's only in the last half an hour that it settles on its direction and we finally get some proper dragon-slaying thrills. Is that enough to save it...? Thankfully, yes. Hurrah!
Conclusion: There are lots of good ideas here but few are followed through. Bale and McConaughey do well with what they're given, however, and keep things moving along. It's definitely watchable but the real fun is in thinking up all the better dragon movies they almost made.
Explosions: None.
Dragons: Some.
Napalm: Lots.
Opportunities missed: Countless.
Rating: 3/5
Rated: 12
Story: It is twenty years in the future and the world has been turned to ash by dragons. Quinn (Bale) leads a community of survivors who have holed up in a ruined castle in Northumberland, trying to eke out an existence while avoiding being snacked on by marauding flying lizards. It seems all is lost. Then a bunch of American soldiers turn up with a stash of nylons and chocolate, and an unlikely plan for victory.
Comments: I seem to remember the posters for this movie showing dragons swooping over the flaming ruins of the Houses of Parliament. I imagined a desperate fight through the skies and streets of the capital, landmarks exploding left and right - kind of like Godzilla but in London AND WITH DRAGONS! How excellent... But, no. That bit, where the dragons take over, is told via a quick flick through the magazine clippings in Quinn's scrapbook. Drat.
For a few minutes it looks like we're going to get an interesting take on the post-Apocalypse movie. Normally we get something set immediately after the disaster (28 Days Later) or so far in the future that everyone's forgotten what happened (Waterworld). Twenty years is long enough for a new society, a new mythology even, to have arisen but short enough for everything to remain rooted in actual memories of our world. These people live a medieval life but re-enact Star Wars for the children. Forget the dragons, let's pretend it was a nuclear war and try to draw some truths about humanity from the aftermath - that would be a great movie... But, again, no. Dragons start turning up and we get a middle-of-the-road action movie. Set mostly in a quarry. Drat.
"But at least it has dragons," I hear you cry and, yes, it has dragons but... but... I'm sorry, dragons don't exist. For some reason my brain can cope with computer generated images of aliens and mummies, vampires and ghosts but show me a dragon chasing a helicopter and it's like someone is trying to sell me a Rolex for a tenner. We're told from such an early age that dragons aren't real, it's very hard to forget. This movie requires more than the suspension of disbelief; it requires the suspension of most higher brain function. Still, as long as there's plenty of tense, close-quarters battling with dragons... Er, yet again, no. The dragons fly fast and spew vast amounts of napalm-death everywhere. The humans run away and hide in holes (usually in the script). Drat.
That's not to say the movie isn't fun, it could just be so much more. It's only in the last half an hour that it settles on its direction and we finally get some proper dragon-slaying thrills. Is that enough to save it...? Thankfully, yes. Hurrah!
Conclusion: There are lots of good ideas here but few are followed through. Bale and McConaughey do well with what they're given, however, and keep things moving along. It's definitely watchable but the real fun is in thinking up all the better dragon movies they almost made.
Explosions: None.
Dragons: Some.
Napalm: Lots.
Opportunities missed: Countless.
Rating: 3/5
Crash (DVD)
Starring: Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Sandra Bullock, a stack of other people
Rated: 15
Story: The lives of about a dozen people from a selection of ethnic backgrounds intertwine around each other (and car accidents) in Los Angeles.
Comments: This is a fast-paced drama which switches frequently between different characters and story-lines. The threads occasionally cross and there is plenty of tension but no over-riding arc to the story. The events of the script are there to explore the racial interaction of the characters and examine the differences between what they say to be politically correct, what they claim to believe and what they actually do when push comes to very big shove. The conclusions are never clear-cut since the characters are both complicated and sympathetic.
Perhaps the point is that we're all just people, often frightened and always flawed, and we all have our prejudices. Concern about being perceived as racist prevents open discussion of these racial fears and grievances, which merely perpetuates them.
Gripping. Only the implausibility of some of the chance meetings prevents it getting a 5.
Explosions: One
Provoked thoughts: Many.
Coincidences: Too many.
Headache from mental exertion: On-going.
Rating: 4/5
Rated: 15
Story: The lives of about a dozen people from a selection of ethnic backgrounds intertwine around each other (and car accidents) in Los Angeles.
Comments: This is a fast-paced drama which switches frequently between different characters and story-lines. The threads occasionally cross and there is plenty of tension but no over-riding arc to the story. The events of the script are there to explore the racial interaction of the characters and examine the differences between what they say to be politically correct, what they claim to believe and what they actually do when push comes to very big shove. The conclusions are never clear-cut since the characters are both complicated and sympathetic.
Perhaps the point is that we're all just people, often frightened and always flawed, and we all have our prejudices. Concern about being perceived as racist prevents open discussion of these racial fears and grievances, which merely perpetuates them.
Gripping. Only the implausibility of some of the chance meetings prevents it getting a 5.
Explosions: One
Provoked thoughts: Many.
Coincidences: Too many.
Headache from mental exertion: On-going.
Rating: 4/5
The Fast and the Furious (DVD)
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Michelle Rodriguez
Rated: 15
Story: An undercover cop infiltrates the LA street-racing scene in order to catch some truck hijackers. He goes native. People open up the bonnets of cars and stare lovingly at engines.
Comments: If you were a car, this would be porn. You are not a car, so you'd better like Vin Diesel an awful lot if you want to enjoy this nonsense.
Interesting characters: None.
Explosions: I can't even remember.
Lingering shots of mechanical parts: Numerous.
Plot: The sound made by my brain as it hit the floor after dribbling out my ears.
Rating: 2/5
Rated: 15
Story: An undercover cop infiltrates the LA street-racing scene in order to catch some truck hijackers. He goes native. People open up the bonnets of cars and stare lovingly at engines.
Comments: If you were a car, this would be porn. You are not a car, so you'd better like Vin Diesel an awful lot if you want to enjoy this nonsense.
Interesting characters: None.
Explosions: I can't even remember.
Lingering shots of mechanical parts: Numerous.
Plot: The sound made by my brain as it hit the floor after dribbling out my ears.
Rating: 2/5
Vertical Limit (DVD)
Starring (sort of): Chris O'Donnell, Bill Paxton, Robin Tunney, Scott Glenn
Rated: 12
Story: Some climbers get stuck down a hole near the top of K2. Some other climbers go to the rescue, taking a few canisters of extremely volatile explosives with them. Very little goes well.
Comments: This is like every disaster movie you've ever seen except up a mountain in the snow. Worse, it's not like these guys got stuck in an earthquake or burning building or doomed plane - you can't help feeling they're all nutters who've only got themselves to blame.
Probably best watched with friends and beer. Place bets on who's going die next and how it's going to happen. (Hint: The smart money is on falling off, being blown up or falling off while being blown up).
Explosions: Some.
Avalanches: Two.
Insanity: Much.
Accidental Death: Plenty.
Chance of you caring: Small.
Rating: 2/5
Rated: 12
Story: Some climbers get stuck down a hole near the top of K2. Some other climbers go to the rescue, taking a few canisters of extremely volatile explosives with them. Very little goes well.
Comments: This is like every disaster movie you've ever seen except up a mountain in the snow. Worse, it's not like these guys got stuck in an earthquake or burning building or doomed plane - you can't help feeling they're all nutters who've only got themselves to blame.
Probably best watched with friends and beer. Place bets on who's going die next and how it's going to happen. (Hint: The smart money is on falling off, being blown up or falling off while being blown up).
Explosions: Some.
Avalanches: Two.
Insanity: Much.
Accidental Death: Plenty.
Chance of you caring: Small.
Rating: 2/5
Lucky Number Slevin (DVD)
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley
Rated: 18
Story: Slevin Kelevra (Hartnett) gets mistaken for a man who owes money to two feuding crimelords (Freeman & Kingsley). He has to play them off against each other in order to survive. He is helped by a new girlfriend (Liu) and hindered by the schemes of a bigshot assassin (Willis). He talks a lot.
Comments: This starts well. The storyline whips all over the place in an intriguing fashion and the dialogue is fast and witty. Slevin's predicament is amusing and, as things get more complicated, it becomes obvious that a really clever solution is needed. Everything appears set to build to a tense climax...
...but then doesn't. The film spends two-thirds of its length jumping around in time, keeping us as confused as Slevin, and then takes half an hour explaining everything in tremendous detail. Worse than that, the trick's on us, not just the crimelords.
Everything's just about plausible but doesn't seem very likely and isn't very satisfying. It's an average story that's told back to front in an effort to make it more interesting and less nasty. Unfortunately this just makes it disappointing as well as distasteful and uninspired.
Explosions: One.
Gory Deaths: A few.
Fast, Hip Dialogue: Constant.
Tiresome Plot Twists: An excess.
Unconvincing Facial Hair: Almost worth waiting for.
Rating: 2/5
Rated: 18
Story: Slevin Kelevra (Hartnett) gets mistaken for a man who owes money to two feuding crimelords (Freeman & Kingsley). He has to play them off against each other in order to survive. He is helped by a new girlfriend (Liu) and hindered by the schemes of a bigshot assassin (Willis). He talks a lot.
Comments: This starts well. The storyline whips all over the place in an intriguing fashion and the dialogue is fast and witty. Slevin's predicament is amusing and, as things get more complicated, it becomes obvious that a really clever solution is needed. Everything appears set to build to a tense climax...
...but then doesn't. The film spends two-thirds of its length jumping around in time, keeping us as confused as Slevin, and then takes half an hour explaining everything in tremendous detail. Worse than that, the trick's on us, not just the crimelords.
Everything's just about plausible but doesn't seem very likely and isn't very satisfying. It's an average story that's told back to front in an effort to make it more interesting and less nasty. Unfortunately this just makes it disappointing as well as distasteful and uninspired.
Explosions: One.
Gory Deaths: A few.
Fast, Hip Dialogue: Constant.
Tiresome Plot Twists: An excess.
Unconvincing Facial Hair: Almost worth waiting for.
Rating: 2/5
Children of Men (DVD)
Starring: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Michael Caine, Chiwetel Ejiofor (the Alliance agent in Serenity)
Rated: 15
Story: It is the year 2027 and there are no children. Everyone has been infertile for years, the youngest person on Earth is eighteen and the world has descended into despair and chaos. Britain has a totalitarian government which uses immigrants as scapegoats, locking them in cages and then carting them off to ghettos ready for deportation.
Theo Faron (Owen), an apathetic bureaucrat, finds himself caught up with a group of rebels and is persuaded into helping them transport a young female refugee named Kee to freedom. The plan quickly unravels and Theo is forced to become a hapless action-hero in order to keep Kee safe and protect the hope for humanity which she may represent.
Comments: I expected this to be fairly slow and depressing so I was happily surprised by the tension and action. By action I don't mean Bond-style fisticuffs perilously perched on the arm of an enormous crane, I mean trying to jumpstart a car on a muddy hillside to escape a mob of New Age misfits, but it's no less thrilling. It's also easier to empathise with Faron than with Bond. This is the kind of messed up getaway I could attempt. I'm pretty sure I'd remember my shoes, though...
I've had a soft spot for Clive Owen ever since he starred in the live-action cutscenes in Privateer 2. This is odd because he was a bit rubbish in that and the ongoing rise of his career over the years has been something of a mystery. He does well enough here, though, as does Moore during her brief appearance. Michael Caine is Michael Caine as always, just with manky hair this time. There is a slight feeling, however, that the entire cast was the second choice somehow. Only Claire-Hope Ashitey as Kee seems spot on. The film itself is often the star - several lengthy scenes are shot without cuts which gives a gritty immediacy to proceedings.
The script attempts to cover difficult subjects such as immigration, faith, despair and loss but the questions asked are often vague and we are left to draw conclusions for ourselves. The plot is similarly hazy, with little explanation of the broader picture and setting. Even the ending requires the viewer to fill in the blanks. All that remains are a couple of assertions: a) Immigrants can offer solutions not problems. b) Children belong to us all and without them there is no future.
There's nothing wrong with this approach but if you like loose ends wrapped up then you're going to be frustrated. Science Fiction tends to start with a well-drawn world which is sometimes almost incidentally populated by characters. Children of Men is about one muddled bloke searching for hope in a world very like our own but blighted by a couple of convenient plot devices. Again, there's nothing wrong with this but just be warned that the movie is more Gattaca than Minority Report. Expect to put in some effort.
Conclusion: Memorable and almost brilliant. Great for shoving in the face of anyone who reckons children are a lifestyle choice or grumbles about having to pay taxes to subsidise the health and welfare of other people's kids. The wealth of a society is in its children.
Explosions: Some
Bleakness: High
Inappropriate Footwear: Plenty
Rating: 4/5
Rated: 15
Story: It is the year 2027 and there are no children. Everyone has been infertile for years, the youngest person on Earth is eighteen and the world has descended into despair and chaos. Britain has a totalitarian government which uses immigrants as scapegoats, locking them in cages and then carting them off to ghettos ready for deportation.
Theo Faron (Owen), an apathetic bureaucrat, finds himself caught up with a group of rebels and is persuaded into helping them transport a young female refugee named Kee to freedom. The plan quickly unravels and Theo is forced to become a hapless action-hero in order to keep Kee safe and protect the hope for humanity which she may represent.
Comments: I expected this to be fairly slow and depressing so I was happily surprised by the tension and action. By action I don't mean Bond-style fisticuffs perilously perched on the arm of an enormous crane, I mean trying to jumpstart a car on a muddy hillside to escape a mob of New Age misfits, but it's no less thrilling. It's also easier to empathise with Faron than with Bond. This is the kind of messed up getaway I could attempt. I'm pretty sure I'd remember my shoes, though...
I've had a soft spot for Clive Owen ever since he starred in the live-action cutscenes in Privateer 2. This is odd because he was a bit rubbish in that and the ongoing rise of his career over the years has been something of a mystery. He does well enough here, though, as does Moore during her brief appearance. Michael Caine is Michael Caine as always, just with manky hair this time. There is a slight feeling, however, that the entire cast was the second choice somehow. Only Claire-Hope Ashitey as Kee seems spot on. The film itself is often the star - several lengthy scenes are shot without cuts which gives a gritty immediacy to proceedings.
The script attempts to cover difficult subjects such as immigration, faith, despair and loss but the questions asked are often vague and we are left to draw conclusions for ourselves. The plot is similarly hazy, with little explanation of the broader picture and setting. Even the ending requires the viewer to fill in the blanks. All that remains are a couple of assertions: a) Immigrants can offer solutions not problems. b) Children belong to us all and without them there is no future.
There's nothing wrong with this approach but if you like loose ends wrapped up then you're going to be frustrated. Science Fiction tends to start with a well-drawn world which is sometimes almost incidentally populated by characters. Children of Men is about one muddled bloke searching for hope in a world very like our own but blighted by a couple of convenient plot devices. Again, there's nothing wrong with this but just be warned that the movie is more Gattaca than Minority Report. Expect to put in some effort.
Conclusion: Memorable and almost brilliant. Great for shoving in the face of anyone who reckons children are a lifestyle choice or grumbles about having to pay taxes to subsidise the health and welfare of other people's kids. The wealth of a society is in its children.
Explosions: Some
Bleakness: High
Inappropriate Footwear: Plenty
Rating: 4/5
Gone in 60 Seconds (DVD)
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Angelina Jolie, Robert Duvall, Christopher Eccleston & That guy who played Phoebe's brother in Friends (Giovanni Ribisi).
Rated: 15
Story: Memphis Raines (Cage) is The Best Car Thief in the World Ever(TM) but has given it up for a saintly existence running a small garage and teaching children to go-kart. Unfortunately he's forced back to crime when his little brother Kip (Ribisi) messes up some thieving specially commissioned by Dr Who. In order to stop his brother being fed to a Dalek, Raines has to fulfil the contract in time, leaving him a day for angst, a day to get his crew together, a day to plan and only a single night to steal fifty cars. Even at a minute a car, this makes things quite tight...
Comments: The movie begins by posing a difficult moral dilemma: Is it OK to commit a crime (in this case, theft) in order to prevent an even greater crime (murder)? Unfortunately it almost immediately returns the answer: 'Heck, yeah! Now let's go outwit some cops, steal some cars and drive really fast to a climactic shoot-out.' Never mind that Raines is getting paid, enjoys stealing cars and he and his brother got into the mess through stealing cars in the first place - we're on their side. This is only reinforced when they manage to miraculously arrange that no police officer receives a scratch in the ensuing automotive carnage. Only the A-Team causes more chaos with less collateral damage to law enforcement.
Stars, thrills, high production values and incredible shallowness make this the definition of a typical Hollywood action film. Cage is as watchable as ever, most of the cast looks reassuringly familiar, everything moves at a decent pace and nothing will surprise you in the slightest. Vinnie Jones occasionally steals the show (and possibly forms the inspiration for the lead character of Saint's Row).
Good if you are partial to a decent car chase and don't mind a bit of blatant emotional manipulation. You probably won't remember any of it by a week on Wednesday though.
Explosions: Few
Cars: Many
Stunts: Plenty of driving, including an excellent final chase. (Not as good as that bit on the bridge near the start of Bad Boys 2 but at least you don't have to watch any of the rest of Bad Boys 2 to see it).
Rating: 3/5
If nothing else, this film helps you appreciate the depth of mid-life crisis Brad Pitt must have been going through in order to dump Jennifer Aniston in favour of Little Miss Tomb Raider...
Rated: 15
Story: Memphis Raines (Cage) is The Best Car Thief in the World Ever(TM) but has given it up for a saintly existence running a small garage and teaching children to go-kart. Unfortunately he's forced back to crime when his little brother Kip (Ribisi) messes up some thieving specially commissioned by Dr Who. In order to stop his brother being fed to a Dalek, Raines has to fulfil the contract in time, leaving him a day for angst, a day to get his crew together, a day to plan and only a single night to steal fifty cars. Even at a minute a car, this makes things quite tight...
Comments: The movie begins by posing a difficult moral dilemma: Is it OK to commit a crime (in this case, theft) in order to prevent an even greater crime (murder)? Unfortunately it almost immediately returns the answer: 'Heck, yeah! Now let's go outwit some cops, steal some cars and drive really fast to a climactic shoot-out.' Never mind that Raines is getting paid, enjoys stealing cars and he and his brother got into the mess through stealing cars in the first place - we're on their side. This is only reinforced when they manage to miraculously arrange that no police officer receives a scratch in the ensuing automotive carnage. Only the A-Team causes more chaos with less collateral damage to law enforcement.
Stars, thrills, high production values and incredible shallowness make this the definition of a typical Hollywood action film. Cage is as watchable as ever, most of the cast looks reassuringly familiar, everything moves at a decent pace and nothing will surprise you in the slightest. Vinnie Jones occasionally steals the show (and possibly forms the inspiration for the lead character of Saint's Row).
Good if you are partial to a decent car chase and don't mind a bit of blatant emotional manipulation. You probably won't remember any of it by a week on Wednesday though.
Explosions: Few
Cars: Many
Stunts: Plenty of driving, including an excellent final chase. (Not as good as that bit on the bridge near the start of Bad Boys 2 but at least you don't have to watch any of the rest of Bad Boys 2 to see it).
Rating: 3/5
If nothing else, this film helps you appreciate the depth of mid-life crisis Brad Pitt must have been going through in order to dump Jennifer Aniston in favour of Little Miss Tomb Raider...